Self-Compassion Matters

A question I often ask in my initial session with clients is, “ What do you like about yourself ? “. I think it is important to have sense of what traits empower you, what strengths you demonstrate and what endearing quirks make you you. I find when I initially ask this question however, many people draw a blank. I often observe that the question triggers quite a bit of discomfort as if knowing themselves from a place of love or confidence is foreign or taboo. Interestingly when I prompt individuals to tell me about their relationship with themselves most people don’t skip a beat, “It’s horrible “ or “ It’s a huge problem”. The majority of individual’s I see can tell me with great certainty that their relationship with themselves is a turbulent one and causes a lot of suffering. Furthermore, most of these same individuals can tell me that they want to improve their self-esteem or sense of self. What I am finding is that although we can identify that we have poor self-esteem, self-worth or self-image and that improving our relationship with ourselves would enhance our emotional well-being and even quality of life, we struggle to take action in attending to the conflict between how we currently treat ourselves and how we want to feel about ourselves. 

I notice while most us like the notion of self-love or self-compassion we struggle to put it into practice. The challenge is that for many of us real self-compassion hasn’t been demonstrated enough for us to know what it looks and sounds like. Many of us have grown up in families and a larger culture that gravitates toward tough love approaches, emphasis on the tough. Western culture tends to glamorize being hard on ourselves and has conditioned many of us to believe that we need an inner drill sergeant to motivate ourselves, achieve success or endure our suffering. When we find ourselves struggling, we are more likely to criticize and shame ourselves rather than validate our pain or offer ourselves the same kind words we would a loved one who is having a tough time.

 Kristin Neff, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas, has done extensive research on self-compassion and has found that people who demonstrate self-compassion not only tend to be happier and experience less emotional distress less, they also tend to be more emotionally resilient and demonstrate higher levels of both grit and determination in achieving goals. The proof is in the data. Self-compassion not inner criticism is what enables us to effectively endure life’s hardships, overcome obstacles and achieve our life vision.

So what is self-compassion? On a very basic level it’s having your own back or being a friend to yourself. One of my favorite definitions comes from Terrance Real who describes self-compassion or love as holding yourself in high regard even in the face of imperfections, flaws or shortcomings. This is about recognizing mistakes and imperfections are part of the human condition and not defining yourself by flaws or slip ups. A big part of self-compassion is recognizing you are not alone in your struggle because pain and struggle are a shared human experience. Once you are able recognize you’re not the only one who fails, suffers or has limitations, it’s easier to approach yourself with kindness and acceptance. We are also more likely to learn from our failures when we recognize we are not the only ones. When we recognize that we all fail or struggle, shame is not inhibiting our insight and we can understand what went wrong or how we can be more effective moving forward.

So how can we be more self-compassionate? Honestly, I have taken a lot of my cues from Brené Brown and Kristin Neff who both have spent much of their careers facilitating research in human behavior and emotion. I have complied guidelines based on the work from the professionals I admire as well as my own personal and professional experience.

1. Mindful observation from a non-judgmental stance

Try to observe your feelings and inner dialogue from a place of curiosity. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself about yourself without adding judgments or criticism. Just notice thoughts how thoughts and feelings interact without reacting. Notice how often you criticize yourself. Notice the tone you use with yourself.

2.  Befriend your inner critic

Notice the part of you that responds when you make a mistake. When does your inner critic part surface? How do you feel towards this part? Is it possible this part is trying to help you? What is the inner critic worried would happen if he or she didn’t show up? It’s important to understand our inner critic if we want to change our relationship with this part of us. Our inner critic is mostly likely trying to motivate and protect us but using rather harsh and abusive language that leaves us feeling like garbage. If we can have a deep understanding of this part’s role we might be able to support it in evolving so it’s not working overtime.

3.  Develop a compassionate self

At first it might feel awkward to approach ourselves with compassion. Most of us struggle to even find the language at first. Try to find the language you would approach a friend with and apply it to yourself. Notice and redirect excessively critical thoughts to a perspective that both accepts your feelings while taking accountability for harmful or ineffective behavior. This might sound like:

  “ It’s ok nobody is perfect. I am doing my best today. “

“This pattern is hurting me. I care about myself and even though it’s hard I am going to take steps toward change. “

 “This is hard for me and I am going to support myself through this the best I can “

“It makes sense that I would feel nervous about this and I am going to show up anyway and do what I can. “

“This is really hard for me. How can I take care of myself?”

4. Acting in compassion

Self-compassion is not just how we talk to ourselves but also how we take care of ourselves. Pop culture and capitalism has tried to convince us that the right face mask or shade of lipstick will help us love ourselves but that barely scratches the surface. Self-compassion requires much more than beauty products. Self-compassion is how you show up for yourself on a daily basis. It’s leaving the job or the relationship that isn’t meeting your needs. It’s taking care of your body with adequate sleep and healthy eating habits. It’s setting boundaries with the people in your life so you have space to attend to your needs because your needs matter.  

5.  Get to know yourself

Spend time with yourself in a restorative way. Take an invigorating hike or a warm bubble bath. Reflect on what you like about yourself. Shift your focus to your positive qualities or what you are capable of. Developing your compassionate voice might also be easier once you are more aware of all the wonderful things you are.

Most of us have no issue opening our hearts to others but when it comes to ourselves our hearts are locked. The key lost to in early childhood or in the flood of societal messages or to the wreckage of an abusive relationship. Whether our environment failed to nurture a voice of self-compassion, or we lost it along our way in life, we have to take ownership for were we are now. The good news in self-compassion can be learned. It’s a muscle that can be built if you show up to your own gym. .