Befriending Anger

Anger is one our most powerful emotions and, like all emotions, it plays an important role in getting our needs met. Anger is designed to produce energy that motivates us to take action in response to goals being blocked, to remedy situation or circumstances that are unjust and to protect ourselves or loved ones from harm. Anger alerts us when important boundaries are being pushed and our needs are being tested, ignored? Without anger, we might not advocate for ourselves or the social change that supports the greater good. If we don’t get angry it means our wants, desires, boundaries and needs don’t matter enough. The #Metoo and Black Lives Matter movements are excellent examples of how we can  channel our anger to confront injustice effectively and challenge circumstances that keep us oppressed. While anger is most famous for prompting us to attack or defend ourselves from physical danger, it plays an important role in the defense of our rights. Anger deserves appreciation; however, many of us have a challenging relationship with this emotion that leaves us feeling destructive rather than empowered.

When anger is constructive, it motivates us to resolve conflict in a productive way that balances assertiveness with compassion. If our relationship with anger is negative, however, we are vulnerable to responding in ways that are damaging to both ourselves and others. Many of us have been taught that anger is “bad”. We have experienced its destructive use , which may leave us feeling like victims of abuse. The frequent demonstration of anger’s destruction has challenged our ability to develop a positive relationship with anger. Most of us are familiar with the guilt and shame that washes over us after [SC1 an explosive anger event creates damage in our life or relationships. Anger is powerful and requires emotional muscle to wield effectively. If we can take a step back from our social programming and emotional myths surrounding anger, we can build this muscle and empower ourselves.

A negative relationship with anger leaves us vulnerable to depression. Not only are our bodies stressed when we become dysregulated by anger, but it also unleashes painful experiences when we respond ineffectively by suppressing it or destructively unleashing it. When anger is triggered, your sympathetic nervous system kicks on and prepares you for action. It’s natural to feel an impulse to attack.

Your fight or flight system is activated when your thoughts turn negative, which helps to carry out the action required to get your needs met. When we are disconnected or unaccepting of our anger, we have all this heated energy, but no outlet and these thoughts can become a slippery slope to harmful and destructive behavior. However, if we embrace our anger and see it as our friend, we can harness its power effectively and become our authentic selves.

To regulate and master our anger we need to fully own it.  When we are connected with the function or motives of anger, we are able to compassionately connect from the place of love itis often rooted in. If we didn’t get angry in the face of discrimination, oppression and injustice we might not rally to change circumstances that infringe on our personal rights, integrity or reduce the quality of life in our communities.  Anger helps us protect our humanity and, if we can practice harnessing its energy while integrating compassion, we can influence our circumstances and dismantle injustice.

Getting to know your Anger

Take a minute and reflect on a situation that triggered mild to moderate anger. Mindfully take a non-judgmental stance towards you and your feelings in this exercise. Remember we are just trying to get to know your anger a bit more to we can form a healthy relationship with it.

• How did you express your anger ?
• What was the result of your anger? Was it helpful or unhelpful?
• How did you feel after the anger subsided ? ( For example, did you feel ashamed or empowered)
• Take a curious stance toward your anger in this situation. Was your anger trying to protect you in some way?
• Can you send some gratitude to your anger for trying to help you even if you expressed it in a challenging way? Remember the intentions of anger were good.

When we deny or suppress our anger, we are vulnerable to getting caught up in rumination or exploding later. Instead of feeling anger and moving through it, rumination keeps us stuck and consumed in it. In this state of paralysis, we often feel not only stressed but helpless. We don’t feel in control and become disconnected from the power we have to get our needs met. If we unleash anger impulsively, others often meet us with defensiveness rather than empathy and we fail to meet the needs that anger was attempting to alert us to. 

So next time you get angry see if you can slow down your automatic thoughts and observe the protective motivations of anger’s energy. When we recognize than anger comes from a place of self-preservation and ultimately love, we can infuse anger with compassion or empathy to help us act on anger effectively. When we are open to what our anger has to say, we see that it’s trying to help us take control of circumstances that are harming us in some way.