Thoughts on Heartbreak
The loss of someone through a break-up is a very specific kind of loss. I compare it to what Esther Perel calls ambiguous loss. Both of your lives continue on but not with each other or at least not within the same capacity. The space this person once held in your heart is now a crater of pain. Heartbreak can be devastating and very lonely.
Most of us hear lots of idiot compassion, support that is well intended but doesn’t connect with what we are currently feeling, after such a loss… “ He’s a loser ! You’re better off without him” or “ There are plenty of fish in the sea. Get back out there. Forget her “.. Most of us have a horrible break-up experience. One we barely made it out alive. But much of the time when we turn to our friends or family, they struggle to sit with us in our pain. Much like grief, people don’t know what to do or say and they feel intolerably helpless in the face of our suffering.
The truth is the pain that stems from our bleeding hearts can interrupt our lives. If we want to walk away from this painful experience stronger and more equipped for our next relationship, we can’t skip the healing and attending part. Heartbreak requires attention and care that goes beyond a bottle of wine and a trash talking session with your closest friends (although its certainly part of the process). We often leave or end relationships with shattered sense of self debilitated by gaping wounds of rejection and despair. Some of us feel crushed by the weight of abandonment or an overwhelming sense of being disposable. It’s an experience that can shake and break the truths you built your life and ideas of self on. It’s a risk we take for love and although the cost can be high, the reward of having a loving relationship immensely enriches our life.
When the relationship doesn’t work out not all is lost. Most of us can take away some sort of meaning from ours suffering if we buckle down and lean into the discomfort of healing work. We can often walk away more attuned to what our relationship needs are, a stronger sense of what type of partner is compatible or incompatible for us and a deeper understanding of self. The emotional injuries we leave a relationship with can be transformed into valuable lessons that guide us moving forward. That’s our consolation prize.
Before we are able to derive meaning or understanding from our emotional pain, however, we have to attend to the aftermath of a life interrupted by loss and hurt. Like bones that need time to reset and heal, we often need space and distance to get clarity. Let’s look at some prescriptions for mending a broken heart.
1. Attending to your Self-Worth
Although you want to examine and take responsibility for how you showed up to a relationship or contributed to it’s demise so that mistakes can be rectified and your future self avoids reliving subsequential pain, we have to do so from a place of self-compassion. Tearing yourself down or becoming excessively self-critical in the wake of rejection inhibits healing. Instead of kicking yourself while your down, try approaching yourself with the kindness you would show a friend down on their luck.
2. Self-Soothe
Most want to skip the feeling part and move on. And while moving forward is the end goal, numbing and avoiding methods usually pile on the pain. Unattended to or unresolved feelings can turn into depressive episodes, emotional meltdowns, explosive anger or panic attacks. We must experience our feelings in order to move through them. Like waves in the sea, we must learn to surf our feelings instead of being thrashed around in the undercurrent. So how can you feel your feelings without getting consumed by them? What can you do to allow yourself to feel without getting swept out to sea? Consider practices you can engage in that help you sit with your feelings in a tolerable way. Some examples could be writing, taking a bubble bath, going on a walk, cooking a nourishing meal or listening to music. We have to take care of ourselves while we are in pain. The only way out is through.
3. Avoid Bashing Your Ex
Although it’s very tempting to vent about your ex and all his or her narcissistic or sadistic tendencies, it usually only gives us short-term relief. Although a good venting session is natural, it often leaves us bitter and stuck in the victim role. Frequent venting and lamenting can also leave our supports feeling burnt out. Instead consider writing a fake or real letter to your ex. Writing helps us both express and process our feelings. This is not a letter you ever have to look at again or share with anyone. This letter is just for you and your feelings. When the time is right its important practice some forgiveness or sending kindness towards your ex. Even if this is just a quiet reflection to yourself. Getting to a place where you are no longer resentful is immensely liberating. This is not an easy place to get to but when we imprison ourselves in our pain by being a victim or refusing to take accountability for our feelings we keep ourselves encased in suffering.
4. Restore Social Connections
Call your friends and let them know you need them. It’s important to stay connected to others and not isolate. Remember, with a break-up you have lost connection and although you can’t replace it you can soften the blow with strengthening your current connections/relationships. Be with friends and family even if you have nothing to say. Even if you do not want to go. You don’t have to show up to a night out with enthusiasm, just show up. Allow your friends to hold you, to support you and to lift you up. Your friends need you too. Just because you ex didn’t want you doesn’t mean that your friends don’t want you.
5. Redirect Rumination
Rejection tends to be one of the more painful feelings and it’s easy to ruminate on rejection narratives. Many of us tend to rehash or analyze painful experiences in an effort to understand, however we often relive the most painful parts on replay rather than approach our history with open curiosity or as an objective observer. In Guy Winch’s book Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts, he cites several studies that suggest analyzing painful events from a self-distanced perspective instead of self-immersed perspective equated to less emotional pain, less rumination and reduced activation of our stress response. Changing your perspective can have major positive implications on your mood and even your energy. By taking a step back from our experiences and stepping into the perspective of third-party observer, we can see events in an entirely new light. Numerous studies show that changing our perspective can get us unstuck from unhelpful or distorted though loops and restore mental functioning that was previously impaired by depressive and angry cognitive soundtracks. A crucial thing to remember is observing thoughts from a non-judgmental stance. Adding judgements about how you “ should “ or “ shouldn’t” feel or be will only induce shame and inhibit growth.
6. Laughter
Laughter really is the best medicine, after self-love of course. If we can find a way to keep our humor alive through our dark times, we typically fair much better. Humor forces us to shift our perspective and triggers feeling food chemicals like endorphins. If we can laugh at ourselves and even the tragedies of life, we feel lighter from the weight that builds when we take ourselves too seriously or struggle to find the irony the saga of life. So look up you local comedy club or grab some popcorn and take a scroll through Netflix’s comedy section. Let some laughter in.
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